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Friday, 31 March 2017

Leaked documents reveal post-Brexit switch to pre-decimal currency

So with the UK leaving the EU thing kicking off into full swing a lot of interesting stories have been lost in the noise. As expected not only have hard Brexiteers managed to sneak in proposals that we ditch the metric system, it now also seems that they want to ditch decimal currency too.

Madness? Well, they seem to believe that things were better in the old days. Like the 18th Century perhaps. Anyway, these top secret double encoded plans (presuambly leaked by Pro-Bremoaner criminals) have come to light outlining the steps of this particularly mad scheme. It already has a name in government - Dexit.

Basically, immediately after the UK leaves the EU the currency will change back to pounds, shillings and pence...you remember how that works, yes? 12 pence to a shilling, 20 shillings to a pound making 240 pence per pound... on a date pencilled in as being the first day of April in 2019.

All transactions will have to change at that point. However, the pound will still remain the pound including the new pound coin. Notes will still remain the same, although all new ones will contain animal fat by law. As with decimalisation, some coins will remain the same too - the 50p coin will remain valid as 10 shillings, 20p will be 4 shillings and so on for the 10p and 5p coins. New coins will be minted with the new denominations on, but they will circulate alongside the old ones. Copper coins are more of a problem and they will all be withdrawn and replaced.

The halfpenny will not return (thank goodness) and nor will the farthing (1/960th of a pound!). One might argue that the penny could be eliminated altogether as it isn't worth much these days, but apparently there is determination that it will come back.

All eCommerce sites operating in the UK and software will have to be updated to the new currency. It's not as simple as just changing the currency sign, and the law will state that all new computer software will have to support the new currency natively without mucking about with formulas. Formulae. Whatever.

One sticking point is the name of the coins. Technically the current currency is called "new pence", replacing the pre-decimal "old pence". Suggestions for the new coinage include "new old pence", "indedenpence" (clever!) and "Mike Pence".

There will be some exceptions:
  • In anticipation of Scottish independence, the new currency there will be called the "Groat".
  • In Gibraltar the currency will revert to the Euro when it is handed over to Spain (even though 99% of the population don't want that because democracy is so 2016)
  • In Northern Ireland the currency will be determined by whichever side wins the brutal 20-year civil war that follows Brexit.
All of this is quite a low price to pay for taking back control though, isn't it?

(Yes, this was an April Fool's joke, but not too far what what some Brexiters have actually suggested)

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